"I was in a bad place when I wrote: (WHY DO I FEEL PAIN ??)
I've been hurting for weeks from the pain in my body the won't go away.
Worried about how I was going to make ends meet with taking time off work to get well with my health. Then Trying to help my daughter, but feeling like no matter what I did it was never right or good enough to please her.
Then angry at her and everyone else because I've been feeling so used, and dumped when I needed everyone to help me.
Because I hurt everytime I tryed to do any type of work, which in return made me really sad and depressed. Making me feel like like was not a good place anymore, and I felt like I was all alone and no one cared about me unless I had something to give them, was feeling really used and not very wanted by anyone.
In return I have become very depressed and didn't know how to make this sadness go away, so I went to see my doctor to get something help me thru this depression, and started seeing a counslor. That was a very bad day when I wrote this for me, I had just started taking the med.
And it made me very out of it, and rummy to where I was sick and just wanted to sleep feel better. Then as I was dealing with my feeling around my daughter and money problems, something else happened that day to make me feel like life just hurt to bad to breath.
I recieved a couple of e-mails, from the man I was suppose to marry a year ago, telling me in a round about way... The women he met last year after we broke up, even tho he has still been seeing me and talking with me since he's been with her. Infact he was just in my bed a few months back, was getting married next moth to this women. As they were expecting in Jan. of next year, telling me all he had left was his memories of us now.
This has really hurt me bad, as I still was very in love with man even tho I knew he was with someone else. I thought he would come back to me if I just waited, because we had been together for over 4-years and were to of been married at that time in a few months. But because of my fears I broke it off with him, instead of trying to talk out things with him, I expected him know what I wanted him to do to prove my love.
And I lost him to someone his family set him up...And it hurt me, and still does.
I guess I don't understand why I can't let go of him in my mind and heart...The pain is so hard, I feel like I'm dying.
So in my pain ...Yes I wrote this, to help me express to myself what I was doing wrong and what I need to do to fix me.
I was fighting with the pain of my body hurting and the pain in my heart from loosing my one true love, fighting with my feelings about my job, and fighting with my daughter & my soon to be daughter in-law.
I was falling apart quickly and not even my own child could see be-on herself to hold me up and hold me to feell I was needed and loved.
I was falling apart and crying out in pain and know one care or even saw I was in need, and that hurt me some much.
I never understood depression, I don't think anyone does...till you walk in the dark shadows alone.
So I yelled said things I shouldn't of, to people I cared about, than came in and sat down and wrote this, on what I was feeling.
As you will read below in my blog titled:"
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Why do I feel Pain ??
"As anger, disappointment, and frustration wander into my mind. Only to finally understand, to my realization that looking to any fearful thought or feeling for a sense of self, is like asking a ghost to show me the way out of a haunted house.
Which brings me face to face with the most difficult question of all...
Why does pain and saddness, always find me..
I ask myself, as if I had no blame to how things turned around in my own life, to cause me this saddness.
But then I tell myself, in one of my self talks I find I need to hear.
If I don't think about my thoughts and feelings, if I don't find a direction from them, then how and from where will I know to take my next step in my life ?I need to learn to let go of the past pains, and sad things that happen. Even if it was a second ago, because it's making me feel sad andworthless.
So I tell myself I need to let GO..
I say within my own thoughts, in order to repair my mentally pain, so that something new can happen for me.
This, I tell myself..
Can only happen for me, when I learn to finally let go of my lost hopes and dreams, I've been hanging on to for so long.
I need to accept it's not there anymore, what I thought I should have or wanted.
That I will no longer be able to go back in time to try and win it back, because something or someone changed that, and I'm no longer a part of that path, it has broke away to start a new path without me.
This new action cannot be un-done by me or anyone else, I'm to late and it's no ones fault.
I need to really take my own insight and look at who is really making me sad, sick, tired of always being angry and tense..
ME, no one else, I am the only one who control what hurts me or makes me happy...Me.
I need to learn and allow my inner thoughts, to prepare me for what I need to see about myself.
In order to set a path to freedom from all frustrations I allow to enter my mind and life..
To begin with.. I need to suck in all the tears, and whatever else I find me doing, at whatever the personal cost is
I need to tell myself I REFUSE !!... to be self-pitying to me, anymore.Then I need to start over, right from the beginning. What-ever that may be, or wherever that may take me.
There is no power on earth that can stop you, if you believe in yourself with this intention and act to make you a better person.Next, instead of falling into despair and sorry for myself over my losses.
I need to deeply look inside my head and heart, to find what it is inside of me, that makes me feel I am not worth very much today.
Or whatever else my thoughts are saying to me, then get busy to learn to stop what I am doing to myself.When I feel hatred towards anyone, or anything. I destroy the one who hates, me.
I need to learn to let go of my resentments, and see all I'm doing is burning myself up with wasted anger that could be put to better purposes, for me.One of the biggest problems I have is getting connected to the behavior of others, which really has nothing to do with them at all, but about me.
I tend to look in the wrong places for love, and people I feel should be in my life.
Then when people betray me, the great pain I experience don't have so much to do with their actions. As it does with what the blow of what they did to my hopes for real love, finally.
The pain of my disappointment, grief, and so on...
Is mostly that of realizing, I have once again been looking for something permanent in the temporary, lane of life.Going through un-happy times, and discoveries will lead me to certain things. That does not mean I have to give up, on love.
But must learn to let what life is trying to teach me, do just that.
Not wanting the lesson won't make it go away. All that really happens is the pain of it will grows worse, and worse, until I really blow up. One day and walk away from the situation.
Only to find out I've really changed nothing, because all along the problem was in my head waiting for me to stop and begin understanding.
The hardest thing for me to do in any time of trouble is, to ask someone to tell me.... The TRUTH, to show me what I need to really see.
But I need to do it anyway, to grow into better person for myself and others!
Because, I do have friends and family who care about me, even if at this time I feel I don't, and they do need me in their life's as I do them. So I do need to change my thinking."
Which brings me face to face with the most difficult question of all...
Why does pain and saddness, always find me..
I ask myself, as if I had no blame to how things turned around in my own life, to cause me this saddness.
But then I tell myself, in one of my self talks I find I need to hear.
If I don't think about my thoughts and feelings, if I don't find a direction from them, then how and from where will I know to take my next step in my life ?I need to learn to let go of the past pains, and sad things that happen. Even if it was a second ago, because it's making me feel sad andworthless.
So I tell myself I need to let GO..
I say within my own thoughts, in order to repair my mentally pain, so that something new can happen for me.
This, I tell myself..
Can only happen for me, when I learn to finally let go of my lost hopes and dreams, I've been hanging on to for so long.
I need to accept it's not there anymore, what I thought I should have or wanted.
That I will no longer be able to go back in time to try and win it back, because something or someone changed that, and I'm no longer a part of that path, it has broke away to start a new path without me.
This new action cannot be un-done by me or anyone else, I'm to late and it's no ones fault.
I need to really take my own insight and look at who is really making me sad, sick, tired of always being angry and tense..
ME, no one else, I am the only one who control what hurts me or makes me happy...Me.
I need to learn and allow my inner thoughts, to prepare me for what I need to see about myself.
In order to set a path to freedom from all frustrations I allow to enter my mind and life..
To begin with.. I need to suck in all the tears, and whatever else I find me doing, at whatever the personal cost is
I need to tell myself I REFUSE !!... to be self-pitying to me, anymore.Then I need to start over, right from the beginning. What-ever that may be, or wherever that may take me.
There is no power on earth that can stop you, if you believe in yourself with this intention and act to make you a better person.Next, instead of falling into despair and sorry for myself over my losses.
I need to deeply look inside my head and heart, to find what it is inside of me, that makes me feel I am not worth very much today.
Or whatever else my thoughts are saying to me, then get busy to learn to stop what I am doing to myself.When I feel hatred towards anyone, or anything. I destroy the one who hates, me.
I need to learn to let go of my resentments, and see all I'm doing is burning myself up with wasted anger that could be put to better purposes, for me.One of the biggest problems I have is getting connected to the behavior of others, which really has nothing to do with them at all, but about me.
I tend to look in the wrong places for love, and people I feel should be in my life.
Then when people betray me, the great pain I experience don't have so much to do with their actions. As it does with what the blow of what they did to my hopes for real love, finally.
The pain of my disappointment, grief, and so on...
Is mostly that of realizing, I have once again been looking for something permanent in the temporary, lane of life.Going through un-happy times, and discoveries will lead me to certain things. That does not mean I have to give up, on love.
But must learn to let what life is trying to teach me, do just that.
Not wanting the lesson won't make it go away. All that really happens is the pain of it will grows worse, and worse, until I really blow up. One day and walk away from the situation.
Only to find out I've really changed nothing, because all along the problem was in my head waiting for me to stop and begin understanding.
The hardest thing for me to do in any time of trouble is, to ask someone to tell me.... The TRUTH, to show me what I need to really see.
But I need to do it anyway, to grow into better person for myself and others!
Because, I do have friends and family who care about me, even if at this time I feel I don't, and they do need me in their life's as I do them. So I do need to change my thinking."
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